today is a day of ugly.  just ugly.  i feel ugly.

beauty is thrown at me from everything around, and it's lonely in feeling inadequate in my surroundings.

i'm waiting to feel beautiful again. waiting to feel loved. waiting to be at peace.

hopeful of tomorrow and a chance of happiness.

so, tonight i went with kate to a party for international students.  those kids are probably some of the coolest people i've met.  we had food and door prizes and what not.  the most memorable time though, was when individual groups could represent their nation through dancing.  all i could think about was how amazing it was that so many nations were together and how beautiful God's creation is. 

God has made himself known to me in so many ways recently.  i knew i went to asia this summer for a reason... it gives me something to connect to when i talk to international students.  i can strike up a conversation with just about anyone with ease. 

(just so you know, this post is just kind of random and if you're not interested in the details then you probably will not want to read this).

the other night God and i had quite a discussion.  i had just heard a message in bible study on how temptation is not greater, the DESIRE is greater.  the desire comes from within us and if we want not to be tempted, we shouldn't ask for the temptation to be lessened, but that we should ask God to change our desire.   

so i started asking God to reveal the desires of my heart.  my biggest desire is to live my life in God's plan because i know that there is nothing else on earth that will make me happier.  i don't want to continuously serve myself when there is something so much greater than me.  so, anyway, God began revealing things to me. 

i believe that God has used past experiences to show me that i am not a normal person and i don't want a typical american life.  not to say that it's bad... it can be a wonderful thing, but it's not for me.  He made it very clear that i will not be residing in the united states after college and most likely not even on this continent.  now as to where i will be, i'm not sure, but that's a little ways down the road- the big picture is that i wont be living here.

with that being said, i have been struggling lately on whether or not i should stick with elementary education or change to music therapy. (i seriously miss music).  looking through the degree plan it stuck out to me that i would have to learn guitar and piano (both of which i have, but have never learned because i always opted for voice lessons over instrumental). 

But after i realized that i won't be living in the states it becane apparent that i will continue in elementary education, because that will be my ticket out of the states.  music therapy was to make me realize that i will need to know an instrument so that way i can take music with me to where ever i am.  music is such a huge part of my life and i could use it in many ways.

God also made me remember the conversation that i had with my dad after he came home from africa.  my dad had always been against my idea for missions as a life style, until he went to africa to help build a missionary's home.  when he came back, he told me that he could understand why i would want to do missions.  of course at that point in my life, i was sick of religion (and rightfully so, "religion" can completely destroy what Jesus was all about), and really couldn't see myself doing missions.  but now, it makes sense.  God made my dad understanding and supportive that lifestyle.

the couple that my dad built for in africa came home for a family wedding. and i remember my grandmother telling her that she couldn't imagine doing what she was doing.  living in such conditions would be too much, the way of life would be extremely hard. and the missionary wisely replied that she couldn't imagine living any where else than right where God wanted her.  that had a huge impact on me.  she is so right.

i can't imagine living any where else than right where God wants me.

so that's where i am with the plans of my life.  it was also revealed that i am going to china over christmas for two weeks.  i am so excited... 2 weeks sharing the meaning of celebrating christmas in china.  so i would greatly appreciate prayer in that area...

well, i don't know why i felt the need to post that... but i have been so excited because i've never heard God speak to me so clearly before and wanted to share.

with love.